Akittenone’s Weblog

Posts Tagged ‘slavery

kitten is off work today, she is supposed to be working but due to them owing her so many days she has been given today off, this is good, it will give her time to catch up on jobs she needs to do, there is so much she is falling behind in, working 13 hour shifts really do take it out of you after a while, so she can finally get things done and not feel as if she is letting everyone down. Another good thing about having time off is that kitten can chat with Master more, well normally she could, but today she is staying away, there are some things kitten needs to work out, and its easier to try to do them herself.

Kitten woke to another message on her answer phone, have you ever thought that the answer machine is the worst invention in the world? kitten is getting to hate hers, now not only does she have to deal with ex’s crap she has the threat of a visit as well, kitten will talk to that person today, and tell them not to come, that kitten does not want to talk to them, whether this works who knows but it is all kitten can do. Kitten knows she should tell Master but its hard to have a conversation just lately, she knows He is always in demand and that others needs Him more and that’s fine, kitten is glad that others are getting things sorted out for them, this life is not an easy one if you are not certain or of the wrong mind so there are times that others need more and that is when a Master comes into His own.

Kitten knows she got annoyed last night, and thankfully He was interrupted again so she could make her excuses and leave, not sure if that’s counted as running, but guess its not unless the other person realises you are running.

kitten thinks she is starting to rely on Master too much, she is having expectations and hopes and that’s not right, she looks forward to the times she can talk to Him, with her working and Him working and the time difference it is hard for her to have some uninterrupted kitten time, guess that’s something she needs to get used to, its not as if its something she is not used to with others, perhaps she was getting spoilt, and that is something kitten needs to get out of her mind, kitten has no right to be spoken to, and she defiantly has no right taking all her crap to Him, it is her problem to cope with, He has enough on His plate with others that have needs and place demands on Him, kitten will not bring Him more.

How come one message can bring a whole host of other thoughts and questions into a persons head ? never mind, kitten will sort it as she always does, lol what else can happen to her ? already got stress related shingles so can’t get them again, *smiling* the only good thing is kitten knows she can chat on here, Master does not read blogs so kittens struggles and questions will remain where they need to be, and thats with her


kitten will be leaving in less than 40 days to be with Master, and she knows she has to get her mind into finally being r/t once more, online has its advantages, kitten can be cheeky and know Master can’t punish her * hell if punishments meant paddles thats fine, but with Master kittens punishments are blinking more pillows and cuddles *

Any way, searching some of kittens favorite posts from other people she came across this one again, and she is trying hard to learn it, well ok thats a fib, she is laughing at it and wondering if she can get away with adding pink hearts to fluffy? wonder if it will be noticed ?

my Lesson In Chalk

::she sighs deeply grumbling under her breath something about
as she begins to mark on the blackboard with her chalk::

i will not grope Master in public

i will not splash chocolate puddin’ on Master

i will not climb onto Master’s lap while i am soaking wet

i will not hold up the line in the grocery store while explaining why i wear a bracelet that says slave

i will not plan when to paint my toenails a different color while receiving a spanking

i will not hide Master’s crop

i will not call out our safe word when Master is driving too fast

i can not ground Master

i will resist my urge to duct tape newbies that want punishment

i will not giggle when Master gives His ’serious’ look

i will not send the newbies out to collect trolls for the weekly auction

i will not wear granny panties tho they are much more comfy

i will not roll my eyes behind Master’s back

i will not eat all of Master’s chocolate and strawberries

i will not paint the bondage table pink

i will not suggest punishments for others

i will not ping m & m’s at Master then look around all innocent and chit

i will not put on a extra big tee-shirt and sweats when Master is expecting company

i will not pull all the feathers out of Master’s tickler

i will not poke holes in Master’s inflatable toys

i will not hide the batteries for Master’s violet wand

i will not paint pretty flowers on Master’s whip and flogger handles

i will not give the kids Master’s bondage ropes to play jump rope with

Master is always right

i will not call Master dumplin or sugar plum

i will not use the cross to hang clothes to dry

i will not tie Master’s shoe laces together while draped over His lap for a spanking

i will not use the nipple clamps to hang clothes on the line

i will not hang ‘i’m subbie, spank me’ signs on newbies backs

i will not practice my rope tieing skills with Master’s bondage ropes and put them up with the knots still in

i will not give Master ‘zerberts’ when He is lecturing me

i will not super glue Master’s nipple clamps together
and last but not least …

i will not tear pages out of Master’s ‘1001 Ways To Dom’ book and hide them

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The most powerful part of the body is the mind, it is something that you can use limitlessly, it is full of wonder and excitement, it is full of knowledge but always has room for more, it can destroy the greatest idea or create the newest invention, the mind is something that has no boundaries, no limits not expectations, it simple is ,, and knowing how to use it is something no one will ever master, its possibilities are endless and even the greatest of people will never understand it.

Kitten has a mind, she has hopes dreams and desires, she has expectations and beliefs and those all stem from her mind, a tool she uses daily and it serves her well at times, but there is a part of kittens mind that she uses to store thing, a locked door if you like that she keeps things hidden, closed away from the rest of her so she cannot be hurt by them, cannot let them into her life and take from her, that part of kittens mind is somewhere she tries not to go but invariably there are times when the door gets opened and things crash into the rest of her mind, taking over, controlling her, kitten struggles to push them back, hurrying to slam the door on them, she can’t let them in, she needs to keep them closed off and not give them room inside her, to do this could and most likely would break her, something she fights not to let happen.

Kitten is a pain slut, she can take being tied and whipped, she loves the feel of the paddle on (and in) her pussy, the sweet sharp pain that excites her and pleases her, nipples pinched and clamped tight, ankles tied tight as her body is stretched open for His pleasure (and ultimately hers as well) This is physical pain, a wonderful feeling if it is something you enjoy, so why does emotional pain hurt her so bad? Why can she not deal with that as well? Why does she need to shut down that part of her and hide it away?

Kitten knows that the way she will deal with this is to ignore it, put it in that room in her mind and close the door hard on it , not mention it, not let it have any space in her active mind, There are still things that kitten has to do to take this to the conclusion that she knows must happen, and that will be hard, she doesn’t know if she is strong enough to do it, she knows it will hurt so many people not least of all her, can she do it ? Will she have the strength? kitten really wishes she had a time machine, she would turn the clock back and do things differently but that is not to be and so she locks her mind, closes it off and turns to the world and smiles, showing them what they expect to see, telling them what they expect to hear, supporting them as they expect her to, these things she can do as in doing them she doesn’t need to think about her own pain.

Don’t mention it, don’t talk about it, close it away, and then kitten will be fine, she is all singing all dancing and that is how the world will see her, nothing can touch her, nothing can hurt her anymore

Kitten is a person who needs words, she needs to hear them, she needs to have things said and she needs to ‘feel’ the things spoken.

Words typed are hard to interpret; simple words can be mistaken in their intent, for example, the words “I Love You “…. I love you she said with tears running from her eyes, the pain clear on her face……. I love you she smiled, laughing up at Him as she took the flowers offered….. The same words but two different meanings, one filled with pain and one filled with happiness

In some ways the online interaction with your Dom/Master is the same, He can and often does ask/tell you to do something, give an instruction and you act on it, but the task is not clear, the words being told to you could sound harsh and you think of what you have done wrong, in most cases ( but lol if you are kitten its not always guaranteed) you have done nothing wrong but the way things are typed and indeed with typos it can seem that you have and this is something that a sub/slave when ‘talking’ to their One can find hard to understand, lol and with internet connections not being the most reliable of things in bad weather or power failures, the sudden disappearance can cause no end of heart aches and self searching wondering where the heck you went wrong and what you did

Its the simple things that a sub/slave finds pleasure in, smiling, for kitten it is silly things, a picture sent of something her Master knew she would like, a song, a quote, all these things show a sub/slave that their Dom/Master does know them and their ‘normal’ likes and dislikes and not just things pertaining to sex, theses things can and do go along way to making a sub/slave feel as though her Dom/Master thinks of her even when He is busy or not in the best mind frame where she is concerned, ( again kitten knows she makes Master cross at times, well not exactly cross but she exasperates Him with her questions and doubts, but lol He has admitted He has never had a slave who pushed His buttons as much as kitten does so its good practice for Him for when kitten gets there as kitten is kitten and she will always be asking questions )

Guess the point kitten is making is when interacting with another on the internet, no matter who they are think about what you are typing, words are powerful things, they can make you laugh, they can make you smile but they can also break your heart

Hand in Hand we climb this hill,, together we can free fall

Hand in Hand we climb this hill,, together we can free fall

Do you ever wonder about your life? About where and when it is going to go your way? When you will ever realise your dreams, your hopes? Your ambitions?

Its strange, kitten really though she was set for life,when she was with her previous Master, who was also her husband, she was happy and contented, things were ok, lol nothing is ever perfect is it and kitten served Him in everyway He demanded, some of the things kitten had to do have affected her in small ways and even now a word or a gesture can make the memories flood back, the other night was an example of that , then things changed, in a bad way, and kitten was in a place that she prays no slave or sub will ever be, she had to make a choice, her child or her Master.

It is one of the worst decisions kitten has ever made, she had no choice really, her child was dying ( kitten thanks god he is still with her and as well as he can be )and needed her so there was no contest, that in itself made kitten a bad slave in His eyes, this lead to years of not being good enough, not being worth anything, kitten was useless she was a failure lol kitten was so many things she is sure some of the words He actually made up.

Eventually kitten could take no more and He left, it was His choice though not kittens, kitten had been ignored sexually for so long it didn’t make any difference to her, He would take people home with Him, other subs and pleasure them in front of kitten and make her watch, all the time telling her she will never know the feeling of Him again as she was too fat/ugly/stupid to deserve it . Do you ever shut off inside your head ? where things said and done will not hurt you any more ? kitten became an expert at that, smiling, she used to write in her head, compose stories and poems while her expression was blankly watching ( had learnt early that to not watch was not worth the punishment received)

This is just one chapter in kittens life, it happened and there is nothing kitten can do about the past, maybe tomorrow she will tell you all about someone she meet who changed her, and in a way He is responsible for kitten being with her Master now, kitten cannot live in the past any more,, she has to look to the future but the past is something that shapes our future, it is something that makes us who we are

Kitten is kitten, no more no less, she is an owned slave and she serves her Master as best she can, yes she pisses Him off at times, but she also makes Him smile and she knows He laughs out loud at some of her kitteneze sayings, kitten has very few good friends, there is one she travels hand in hand with daily , kitten has a sister who she hopes to interact with eventually, who knows stranger things happen at sea

Kittens saying ,,,, Always remember who you are, to not be you is to pretend to be someone else

It makes kitten smile when she reads/hears of others misconceptions. Kitten knows that people form preconceived ideas and likes/dislikes to other people based on initial meetings but just lately she has seen those preconceived ideas enter into other things and to be honest she smiles when she hears of them

People seem to think that because kitten is online with her Master during the day and early evening that T/the do nothing but chat and interact, lol if only that was the truth! kitten can be online with Master for hours at a time and not a word spoken as He is busy, this is true for the day as well as the evening, and when kitten does get to talk to Him then invariably others would interrupt assuming that kitten had spoken to Him all day so kitten doesn’t get to interact with Him or have one to one time sometimes for days on end

An example is this week, Master has been busy with various projects and this kitten understands, she still craves that time spent talking but it has not happened yet kitten is sure that people are under the impression that Master talks to kitten constantly … one day this week, kitten and Master were online together for 13 hours total time spent talking amounted to less than 90 minutes, ( spread out over the 13 hours) and that is not the first nor will it be the last time that happens kitten is sure

It seems to kitten that not everything is as it first appears and that is one thing that should be known, just because you think it doesn’t mean it is so… yes kitten is a slave to a poly Master and yes He will talk to kitten when He wishes and about what He wishes, but as with all things, its not all plain sailing and kitten would love to spend time with her Master on her own, but that is something she dreams of and knows happens only when others are not around to interrupt, either work, other projects or other slaves. All slaves are selfish in one way by craving time with the One who owns them, but all slaves need to learn to share if their Master is poly and that kitten does, a selfish slave who demands attention or throws her toys from the pram gets nothing, but by the same token a Master knows that all slaves have needs and wants, and does His best to see that all slaves are being cared for, even if it mean another  slave getting her nose put out of joint

There are many things that happen in life that hurt a person, and its strange how a simple conversation can bring those things back into your mind.

Kitten was having a conversation with her Master last night, He was teasing her, and the subject was in one way a normal one but as the chat went on, things started going through kittens mind, things from the  past and it upset kitten, stupid she knows as Master had no knowledge and so was at a loss as to what was going on. The past has a way of invading the present and affecting the future, and if no one knows what is upsetting then they will invariably touch on that subject and re open old wounds, things which in theory you should be able to get over but as with all things, sometimes the hurt goes too deep and the easiest way is to shut it away in your head and try to ignore it, pray that it never happens again.

Kitten shut down last night, she took the pain, she became a ‘robot’ and let it take over her until she couldn’t take it any more and she became a ‘zombie’ if you like, she went through the motions, she did things automatically and with no thoughts or feelings, she could not explain to Master what was wrong and she still hasn’t, some things are best left in her head and no in the open, for the first time that she can remember kitten was glad Master was busy else where so He would not ask her questions, so He would not want to know what was wrong, lol the good thing was that the things kitten had to do needed no thoughts or interaction with others, that she doesn’t think she could have coped with without having a complete melt down.

Kitten wrote last night, she wrote of her pain, her feelings, her anger all things that she then destroyed it in the vain hope that this will make things disappear but she knows it won’t, she knows that the wrong word or the right question will bring it all back, so she is prepared, she is ready for it, but the question is,, will she be able to cope with it ?

Some things are best left in the past, unfortunately, the past shapes the present and the present determines our future,, so its all interlinked. We can change our own futures but the past that will always remain the same, and can we ever really get over the past ? kitten hopes so as her future depends on it