Akittenone’s Weblog

Posts Tagged ‘feelings

This post is to all those that are asking after kitten, she is still here and she is still kitten. !!

As many of you know kitten is living with Master 24/7 so as you can imagine things are a bit busy for her, and indeed for Him as well, the adjustments kitten is making to a different way of life in a place that is different with rules that are different and a climate that is different are taking their toll and kitten is finding she is either very tired all the time or she can’t sleep worth a damn !!

We have just said goodbye to another one that Master is looking at to be either a sub or a slave, at the moment kitten is not sure which but the month she was here was ‘eventful’ to say the least, things happened and kitten paid a price but what the total cost is yet kitten does no know, all she knows is it made her ask questions of both herself and Master, and the answers to those questions are very telling indeed.

kitten has been in poly relationships before so that was not new to her, those who know a bit about kitten know she already has a sister whom she is getting on great with, so while having another here was not really an issue the ‘living’ part of the relationship was for kitten, and she knows that she was questioning Master a lot and asking some hard questions.

But as with all things in kittens life, she rides out the storms, a bit wiser and a bit tougher, and who knows maybe in the end a bit more careful of letting her feelings show, which can only be a good thing right ?

So to all that ask, kitten is still here, remember, she is kitten, all singing and all dancing but still kitten none the less and her smile is firmly planted on her face, lol have found that smiling really confuses all those around you who are wondering what you are grinning at !!

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Posted on: May 11, 2009

Do you remember when you were a child and you were told to do something you didn’t want to ? Like cleaning your room or going to see relatives when all you wanted to do was go out with your friends ? The feeling of having no control over your life and what you were being told to do was great, and in some ways the M/s and to a lesser extent the D/s relationship is very similar. Kitten has just read a great article describing this better than she ever could,*here* but it did get her thinking, she knows there are times when Master is teasing her that she tells Him “ No way Batman” or “ Dream on He who must be Obeyed” but this is different, during the teasing kitten is not actually refusing Him anything as W/we B/both know if He wanted something then kitten would do it and do it with a feeling of want as He has asked for something * and no it need not be sexual, it can be anything from getting Him a drink to pleasing Him*

However we all get times when we really don’t want to do something, for what ever reason we try to change things so we have the controlling hand. An example of this was the other night, kitten was told to do something, and she didn’t want to as she had got herself into a funk and it seemed as though she was struggling with things on her own, so when she was told to perform the task she replied “ kitten would rather not” Well this led to a few questions which kitten again tried not to answer so she started to perform the task first asked, this did not go down well, Master pulled her up and refused to let her do what she now wanted to do, * ok so kitten doesn’t take much persuading to do certain things * And after close questioning and kitten being allowed to speak freely * this means that anything said will not be used against her and she is allowed to talk freely about what is on her mind*,  Master saw things from kittens point and He apologised * A true Master is one who is never afraid to admit to making errors in judgement, something people should be aware of*

Now the above might not make sense and it might seem that kitten was trying to control things, and if you read it again you will probably see that in some ways she was, she was trying to control herself, trying to say she didn’t want to do something but ultimately she was going to do it as it had been asked of her, and she knows that was wrong.

So what should she have done ? Well first off she should have spoken to Master BEFORE she got herself so worked up that she could not see the wood for the trees, she should have gone to Him and asked to speak, but this is another lesson she is learning, the one where she has to accept that Master CAN help her and that she need not do everything on her own, the lesson that she can depend on Him. And she is also learning that when Master tells her to do something then she does it, the majority of the time it is with a great big smile on her face and for the few times its not, then those are the times that she knows she is pleasing Master by doing as asked of her as a slave should do. Any task set by a Master is one a slave should under take to the best of her ability and not just when it suits her.

Firstly kitten needs to apologise, she has been lax in posting on here if only for the fact she has been busy and for that she is sorry,

By now you will know that kitten is with Master, she is living with Him as His property, His slave and that is something that has been two fold for her, in one way it is like coming home, and in another way it is like leaning to live again, both coming together to make kittens life more complete.

There have been a few times over the past three weeks that kitten has had doubts, not with Master but with life situations and they have been worked on and all the fears have been discussed and a solution has been worked out, kitten is not daft enough to believe that the teething problems have been all she will face but as long as kitten has Master to talk things through with then she is sure there are no problems she cannot deal with.

When kitten got off the plane she was shaking, for so long she had heard that Master and her sister were playing her, were taking her for a fool, yet not once did kitten get that impression from Him in all her interactions, but as with all things, if you listen to something enough you will start to have doubts, well there are no doubts now, Master is all that He said He was and in some ways more.

Kitten has learnt that Master has a wicked sense of humour * usually to kittens cost * and the sound of Him laughing fills the house on a regular basis, that said, He also has a serious side that you can talk with, ask advice * something kitten is still learning to do and to be honest not doing to well at, is harder to hide what kitten is thinking or feeling though now that He is along side kitten daily*and the serious side is one which is can be depended on to give you honest unbiased opinions and advice.

Play times * not really anyone’s business but kitten knows there are still a few doubters* are wonderful, going to the beach and trying to cover a bruised ass and tits makes for an interesting outfit combination !! Why cover them up ? Because society does not readily understand this life and kitten does not want people to look at Master and judge Him, that said, the getting of the bruises is wonderful and something kitten feels is part of her, something she loves and at times needs to be able to free her mind from all the thinking she does. There is another way that kitten settles her mind, its unfortunately not for anyone else’s knowledge apart from the fact Master says kitten better not be unsettled at the mall or W/we could B/both end up in jail !! Again this is something Master knows when kitten needs and at the moment He is allowing it, while at the same time working on other methods for her to feel the safety net around her.

There is so much that kitten could and should write but where do you stop ? What do you say and not say ? All kitten can say with 100% certainty is that she is Masters kitten 24/7 and that is like coming home, to a life and a Master who completes kittens life, and  that kitten can never express enough

Readers of this * if there are any* will be getting a bit sick of kitten going on about going to Master but it is something she cannot help talking about, and as she only speaks to Master and writes on all her blogs then sorry, you are stuck with it !!

Now there are many things kitten can tell you about Master but she will not bore you but one thing she will share is that for some reason Master seems to have a new name when W/we are teasing, not sure why but kitten can’t help but call Him Batman !

Now this started when kitten was not allowed to say no Master, so being inventive it got changed to “ Dream on Batman” and for some reason it has stuck ! Now kitten knows that when Master and kitten are messing about and teasing each other then she can call Him Batman as long as it is not in a derogatory way, in a teasing capacity it is fine, and kitten also knows there is a time and a place to laugh and joke, kitten loves nothing more at the moment than to hear Him laugh and know she has caused that, but she also knows that when Master is being serious or He is watching/listening/working etc then that is not the time to play about or try to instil herself upon Him.

Kitten is going to get off the plane and know that she is stepping into a new chapter in her life, but she thinks that the playing, teasing, talking, are all good ground work in getting to know Master, as long as she doesn’t call Him Batman too many times, * lol especially when He is spanking kitten, can you imagine – One Batman thank You, Two Batman, thank You etc, hhmm not sure that would go down well, but you never know might try it for the hell of it !! *

Guess what kitten is saying is that there are many sides to a Master, the strong side, that is there for you, to support and help you, the teaching side that is always helping you improve and grow, learn and be all you can be, the fun side that can make you cry with laughter and who teases and torments you and the serious side that lets you know when you have done wrong and need to be reprimanded or punished.

Master is like a puzzle, all the pieces go together to make the whole Man and kitten is excited to be finally able to fit all the pieces together so they are part of her life

Sitting here thinking, thinking of what kitten is about to do, where she is about to go and what her life is going to bring her, she knows that life is about to change for her, and in some ways she is wary, having been in a M/s relationship for years the move to another Master is a huge one, and one that readers of this know has been filled with troubles and problems from others in the family and outsiders trying to tell kitten what to do and what not to do.

Kitten has known Master for a year, and in that time she has made Him mad at her, made Him sign off the computer as He was angry, and at the other end she has made Him laugh and made Him smile. Kitten has questioned Him and argued with Him, she has cried and she has screamed, and still she is His, that alone tells kitten He is not playing games with her, regardless of what has happened kitten knows He is trustworthy and someone she can depend on.

Kitten knows that she will face some difficult times, not least in meeting her ‘sister’ and yes kitten knows that she will read this even though she has been banned * kitten is no ones fool regardless of what they wish to believe* but kitten also knows she is strong and will face that when it happens, and having extracted a promise from Master then she knows it will not happen in the near future.

Moving to another country, to serve a Master you have not served before * online does not count and kitten has a list of reasons why in her mind it doesn’t * to be a 24/7 slave to a Master whose likes and dislikes you will have to discover as you go, to know what makes Him smile and what makes Him frown, all this and so much more wait for kitten, but along with this will come happiness, contentment, the feeling of coming home, of knowing where she needs to be, of having Master there when she is scared and worried, of having Him beside her when she faces things she would rather run from.

In a few days kitten will be on a plane to a new chapter in her life, one filled with excitement and trepidation, but one she will face head on, the same as she will face all oppositions to her being Masters kitten

Finally,  finally in single figures, and things are moving forward at a scary pace, the only good thing is that kitten has tomorrow off them working every day till her butt is on the plane, so in one way thats good as five 13 hour days is a good way to keep your mind occupied and means that kitten will not be about much so that should mean she is out of the firing range of others.


Maybe kitten can survive the next few days, god she really hopes so as so far all she has had is grief and uncertainty, and stupidly she thought Master was having some time off when she got there but she was informed last night He was taking one day off then the weekend then back to work, so guess it will be sink or swim time on her own,  suppose the good thing is she will be on her own and she can try to muddle through, try to fit into Masters life as best she can, hopefully with no interference until she has found her feet

At least with Master not there she will not be expected to meet others so there is a good for every bad, all depends on how you look at things really, and then there is the trip to the shops, * well Master will want to eat after all  * insert a really big grin here *

Kitten knows that being a slave is something she needs to be, and she also knows that each Master is different, guess the first few weeks are going to be interesting to say the least, as when she wants to run and shut herself away that will not be possible with Master actually there, that and other things will be hard for kitten to deal with, but deal with them she will, she is after all Masters kitten

Kitten has written this post 5 times so far, she has written 6 pages on her note book and still she is no more settled than she was, so many things going around in her head, all she wants to do is cry, and damn it kitten is NOT a crier, even writing this she can feel the tears running down her face.

Yesterday really threw her, something happened and it was stupid and pathetic but it really hit kitten hard, another went somewhere they were not supposed to, to keep an check on kitten she guesses and it ended up kitten was told she was over reacting, then was told it was her fault that the one she is blaming goes nowhere, else * which is not true as she does go on a certain place, but not kittens concern if she wishes to lie, was also told that blogs were removed as they upset kitten, again not true as they were removed as she was cuaght lying once more and couldn’t deny it, again not kittens fault as she did not know about the stupid blogs, all kitten knew was someone was not telling the truth and had got caught in a lie again* It is not kittens fault, kitten has never been on that site herself or read the blog in question so how can it be her fault ? So many things were said and something another done ended up being something kitten was told to apologise for, and that is not going to happen, that is the first time kitten has actively disobeyed Master and it has thrown her into a spin, she is not a slave, she is not submissive, she refused to do as she was told, damn it kitten hates feeling like this.

The worst of it is that Master asked if she was there already would she have refused and the answer was the same, she would have, kitten is so sick of saying sorry to another person who has yet to admit that anything is actually their fault and that they in fact owe kitten the apology,  hell in a year have never had one sorry for all the crap either her or her ‘friend’  have  put kitten through, for some reason unknown to kitten she is never the one who is made to apologise.  sounds like sour grapes really, told you it was stupid but refusing Master has really thrown kitten, she is so uncertain at the moment she feels sick with it.

Kitten so far has written for hours in her notebook, she has cleaned all she can clean and then some more, all to try to work out what the hell she is supposed to do, how she can get rid of feeling like this, but its not worked, kitten is shutting down, she can sense it, she can feel it and she hates it but it is how she survives,

Ever have days you wish would just swallow you up and take you away from everything ? kitten is feeling like that.

In 10 days kitten is supposed to be on a plane to Master, what is the point if she is not a slave for Him, if He tells her to do something and she refuses, what good will she be for Him then ?