Akittenone’s Weblog

Online V Real Time

Posted on: July 3, 2008

well it seems kitten pushed and pushed last night and she pushed at Master, not His fault but kitten was feeling hurt, she wanted justification for her feelings and in her mind she wanted Him to tell her she was wrong, simple really, but how can He tell her that if He has no idea of the problem ?

kitten will start at the beginning, easier to try to explain and also give a reason for the title,

A brief background, kitten is an owned slave, but unfortunately but also fortunately it is only online at the moment, the reasons are varied but things in kittens life are making it hard for her to be with Master, also as kitten has only been with Master for 2 months it is a learning period for U/us B/both, a time to find out about each O/other and learn if W/we are compatable and if W/we are suited, just because O/one party desires it does not follow the O/other will, so this is just a step in the process of actually being Real Time, but that does not mean that kittens commiment or need to serve is less, in some ways it is greater as kitten cannot see Masters face or hear His voice to guadge His reations to anything kitten does so the need to go further, be better, work harder is always present.  

kitten was feeling hurt due to something else, some things said by another and this Master could not know about  as when He asked kitten replied that she was fine, a stock answer which kitten knows she uses when she doesn’t really wish to answer, kitten knows this but how is Master to know ?

kitten knows the situation would not have arisen had she been with Master in person, the other person would not have been allowed to get to kitten and so all that transpired afterwards would not have happened.

kitten was asked to do something for Master, this she did with pleasure, and after alot of strggling but steely determination kitten did it, the feeling of worth and pleasure that kitten felt to actually be able to do this was tremendous, and Master thanked kitten, kitten was not looking for reward but had we been together then the reward kitten would have felt was to be able to see His face and smile when He thanked kitten.

The feeling of pleasure kitten felt was quickly dampened when another person came along within moments, things were said and kitten was hurt, she knows she should not have let it get to her but at times knowing and doing are two different things, words were said, a lot of words were said and kitten was hurt, confused and angry, all emotions that she took out on Master, in kittens head she needed to justify the pain she felt inside and by lashing out she could do that.

kitten said and did things she instantly regretted, but having sent the message she could not take it back, she could not retract what had been said, and the feelings of pain intensified, she was hurting the wrong person, guess in one way she was blaming Master for not protecting her from the other one, not being beside her to intercept and make it all stop, stupid she knows but logic does not come into feelings. kitten knows had she been there in real time then it would not have happened, it would have been dealt with and Master would have been aware instanly there was a problem and helped or advised kitten how to deal with it but as He wasn’t kitten dealt with it the only way she could, badly.

kittens logic was so far off that she even involved another slave who dislikes kitten intently and again this was wrong, kitten should have talked to Master,, explained, told Him and leant on Him, took from Him the strength kitten needed to think things through properly, this she didn’t do, kitten just shut down, all thought and logic left and kitten know if she had been there Master would have seen this and known how to deal with kitten.

Saying sorry is not enough, kitten has put a dent in the relationship with Master and that is something she will never forgive herself for, has kitten done to much damage ? kitten prays not but only time will tell

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